The Many Faces of Kanda Yuu
by Asanouta
Summary: Komui mistakenly gives Kanda a wrong dosage of medicine and ends up creating several...flawed clones.With more than one problematic Kanda running around the place,can Allen,Lavi and the others save the Order?Warning,severe OOC-ness,implied shonen-ai.Crack
1. Chapter 1 Beginning of Disaster

One of my friends and I were discussing D. Gray-Man when my friend suddenly made a random statement about the Order having more than one Kanda. It got me thinking and so. You get this crack-fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man or any of its characters, they are all property of Katsura Hoshino. Enough said.

* * *

**Chapter 1 – Beginning of Disaster**

The long haired samurai strode down the corridors of the Black Order, a frown upon his face. His coat was left open in front, exposing a heavily bandaged chest. A sword hung from his waist and he was muttering curses under his breath as he made for the supervisor's office.

"What the heck... I've already submitted my darn report, what else does that idiot want from me?"

Slamming the door open furiously, Kanda marched into Komui's office, with looks that could kill, literally. The said idiot looked up from a messy stack of papers and grinned happily as he came in.

"Kanda!" Komui squealed happily.

"Che. What is it now, baka... I barely had enough time to finish my breakfast and you had to call for me. If it's another damn mission I'll have you know that..."

Komui shook his head and held up his hand for silence. "No, no, you got it all wrong, Kanda. I'm not here to give you another mission or anything of that sort. I was just rather concerned about your injuries from the last mission."

"Che. None of your business. I can heal fine, unless you haven't realised."

"That's the point. You should never underestimate your remaining life force, Kanda-kun. So, I have come up with a solution!"

"... Any solution of yours never really solved any problems as far as I can remember..."

"But this is brilliant! With this new vitamin, I can speed up the recovery of exorcists by 120 percent! Or maybe more!"

Kanda turned to walk out. "That's it. I'm out of here. I have no time to spend listening to idiots promote their joke products."

Komui's eyes turned big and watery. "Aww, please, Kanda-kun~ Just try it, I'll bet you'll love it..."

"If it doesn't taste like soba or tea then no, I don't think I will."

"I'll send you on a mission with General Tiedoll if you don't."

The exorcist paused, his hand on the doorknob. Komui could practically see the thoughts running through his mind right now. The supervisor knew that Kanda hated the idea of going to look for his general.

Kanda's body was shaking from fury, and he weighed out his chances. Komui decided to add a thing or two to the list.

"Oh, if it'll make you feel better, I'll get Allen to follow you on the mission as well. I'm sure he gets along well with General Tiedoll."

That did it. Reluctantly, Kanda released the doorknob he had been gripping tightly and spun around to face Komui with glaring, angry eyes. Komui mentally jumped for joy. If he had been a lot smarter he would have read the look on Kanda's face that clearly said GO TO HELL. But noo... He was too happy thinking that Kanda was going to be his guinea pig, yay!

"Hand the fucking thing over, let me swallow it and then let me out." Mentally, Kanda made a note to try and _accidently_ hurt the Chinese man real badly once he had the chance to with Mugen sometime later.

Komui watched excitedly, a crazy idiotic look on his face as he handed the vitamin to Kanda. Kanda took the bottle and shook it, listening to the liquid slopping inside. "Are you sure... This damn thing is _safe_?"

"Absolutely. You'll feel nothing at all. In fact, I think you'll feel so good you'll want more."

"Whatever. I take this, and then you'd better not dish out any crappy missions to me for about a week or so."

Frantic nods. Kanda frowned and glared at the bottle suspiciously. Then without another minute's hesitation, he downed the entire bottle in one gulp.

There was a pause. Komui looked anxiously into Kanda's face to see if there was any change. Kanda just stood there, as if waiting for some extra rabbit ears to sprout or a tail to grow.

The silence was a little too awkward. It suddenly hit Komui that something wasn't really right. But it was a little too late now, wasn't it?

* * *

"Geez, I'm tired... I think I'm headed for bed..."

"Bed, Lavi? It's 10 in the morning! What were you doing all night?"

The red head stifled a yawn. "I just came back from a late night mission with Yuu-chan. Now I'm tired and he's in a terrible mood so I suggest you stay out of his way for today."

Allen looked thoughtful. "I heard him cursing Komui just now. Did he get a new mission or something?"

"Think so. I pity Yuu-chan. The poor guy barely has time to flirt with the ladies."

Allen snorted. "Yeah, you're so lazy you always have time for women, eh?"

Lavi was about to retort when the halls boomed with Komui's voice through the speakers.

"This is an emergency! I need Allen Walker, Lavi and Lenalee in the office, right now! I repeat, this is an emergency! Come immediately!"

Silence rang in their ears as the announcement ended. Allen and Lavi looked at each other in utter confusion.

"Did he just call for us? He sounded rather worked up about something."

Lavi shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe he needs some help finding his favourite coffee cup or something. In any case, let's head up. And just when I wanted to get some sleep too..." He grumbled.

Allen moaned. "I wanted to eat some more... Think he'll have some cake up there?"

"Doubt that. Pictures of Lenalee, yes..."

* * *

The Chinese girl was headed to her brother's office too. She frowned upon thinking about what trouble he had gotten into. _'If he broke his favourite cup again I am so not getting a new one for him.'_

She rounded a corner sharply and someone coming from the other side ran right into her. The person, who was a lot shorter than her, fell to the ground. The small figure looked like a child, with raven black hair.

Lenalee immediately apologised and tried to pick the small child up. The little "girl" started crying before she could do anything though.

Frantically, Lenalee tried to calm her down. "I'm sorry, are you hurt? Here, let me have a look at you."

At the same time, she was wondering how such a young child was doing in the Order's halls. The kid looked rather familiar though.

She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the kid's face. And then her jaw dropped as she stared into the familiar dark eyes.

"My brother has some explaining to do..."

* * *

Komui was pacing frantically in his office. "Oh dear, oh dear... I'm doomed... This is not good, this is so not good!"

The door burst open the second time in the morning. Komui's eyes went all round and gleeful. His saviours had arrived. Allen and Lavi came in, Allen shouting a cheery "Good morning, Komui~"

They both stopped short, expecting some remnants of a broken project or maybe even some spilled coffee but nothing looked too amiss. The office looked rather normal, messy as usual but nonetheless normal. Lavi frowned at the supervisor.

"You called and said this was an emergency?"

Komui grinned sheepishly and nodded. "It is an emergency. A big one, in fact."

Allen moved over to the couch to sit down on it. "Then why call only us? I bet Ba-Kanda could have taken care of the job faster than we could."

Komui swallowed. "Well, there is a slight problem with that. You see..."

Allen tried sitting on the couch but leapt up yelping in shock. Someone else was lying on it, and there was something definitely wrong with that person, for on a normal day, Kanda would've leapt up and tried to slice him into pieces for trying to sit on him.

"Kanda? What's he doing here?"

"What?" Lavi yelped and crossed the room in two strides. He stared at the unconscious exorcist on the couch and then at Komui. "What the heck happened to him?"

Komui scratched his head. "He'll be fine, I hope. But there's a small matter I'd like you guys to deal with for me, please?"

Allen was going into a frenzy. "Oh-my-God-Kanda's-knocked-out-on-Komui's-couch-what-did-you-do-what-happened-what-happened-what-is-going-on?"

Lavi gasped in disbelief. "No. Way. Komui... You didn't... Rape him, did you?"

Allen made a startled cry and fell backwards, leaning against the wall. "No way! How? He's a guy!"

Komui nearly fainted. "No, I did NOT! I just... We were doing a little experiment and..."

"And you raped him! You... I thought you were twisted but this is too much! That's it, you're getting a beating!"

Komui wailed in exasperation. "I wouldn't touch him for the world! Please, let me explain!"

"No one touches Yuu-chan and gets away with it! If I don't kill you now, he will when he wakes up so get over here and let me save you from more misery!"

"No, please! Allen, do something!"

The boy shook his head stubbornly. "Lavi's right, Komui. Death by Lavi is way better than torture by Kanda. But how did you... Unless he's a girl in disguise!"

Lavi stopped hitting Komui for a moment and stared at Allen in disbelief. "Haven't you heard of yaoi? Yuu-chan's a guy through and through the last time I checked."

"So how did Komui manage to rape him?"

"For the last time, I did not rape him!"

"You're not fooling us!" Lavi pounced on him and started choking him.

The door was flung open for the third time that morning and this time it crashed to the floor, unable to take the torture anymore. Lenalee strode in with her eyes blazing, looks ready to kill. The three didn't really notice her, probably because one on trying to save himself, one was trying to strangle the former, and the third was backed up against the wall trying to get over the shock of nearly sitting on Kanda and learning that he was a girl.

She cleared her throat loudly and shouted. "BROTHER, EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

The ruckus stopped and the trio glanced up. Komui immediately broke out into a squeal of joy.

"Lenalee! Thank God you're here! Please, tell your friends here that your brother didn't do anything to dear old Kanda!"

"Oh, so that's what they were beating you up for. And what do you mean you didn't do anything to Kanda? Something's happened and I know you're responsible for it!"

Komui positively whimpered. "Lenalee... I swear I'm innocent..."

Lenalee's glare silenced whatever protest he had left. Flushing, she reached behind her and pushed someone forward.

"Then tell me who this kid is."

All three jaws dropped and stared. And then a sudden realisation hit all of them like an electric shock.

"KANDA?"

* * *

What has happened to poor Kanda? This is just a warm-up, you'll find out what Komui really did to him. And no, Komui did not rape Kanda because that pairing is just... Wrong. Anyway, forgive the random crack, this is my first attempt at a parody/humour fic.

Credits to **madkandayuu **for giving me inspiration for this fic. But I still love the original Kanda, he's the best version of that moody, pissy samurai I could ever ask for. Heh, I do hope nothing's gonna happen to him, the latest manga chapter was rather worrying.

Read and review please, I want to know what you guys think of this and whether or not I should continue. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2 Chibi Kanda

Right, let's pick up where the last chapter left off! What in the world has Komui done to Kanda?

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino, but the random plot and crack belongs to me. Too bad Kanda doesn't.

* * *

Chapter 2 – Chibi Kanda

The three stared at the small figure partially hidden behind Lenalee. There was no mistaking that long, flowing black hair and dark eyes, especially that pout and killer glare.

Lavi found his voice first. "Lenalee... That isn't... who I think it is, is it?"

Allen piped up. "That kid looks like Kanda!"

The child glared daggers at him and shouted his reply. "I AM Kanda, baka moyashi!"

Komui straightened his hat. "Oh, so we've found one Kanda. Good, that makes our search easier now!"

Four pairs of eyes with angry fire in them bored holes through his cheery exterior. Komui shrunk back in fright.

"I guess I owe you guys an explanation, eh?"

More glares of anger. Komui shuddered as he tried to stammer his explanation. " I... I was only trying... Trying to help..."

He straightened his hat again, which seemed to have fallen off in his excitement. He cleared his throat. "Take a seat, all of you."

"Kanda's on the only couch here."

"Oh... Then sit on the floor then." Their glares never left his face as the three exorcists sat down. Little Kanda, however, totally ignored the order and sat on the couch beside the original Kanda. He glanced at the bigger self.

"That's me? I look better than the sprout with white hair and the rabbit with one eye..."

Seeing as they were all "comfortable", Komui knew he could delay it no further. "See, I was developing this new drug that would speed up the recovery of wounds and injuries. And since Kanda just returned from a mission, I thought I'd do him a favour and well..."

"Use him as a guinea pig?" Chibi Kanda muttered.

"Yeah, use him as a... Hey! I didn't say that!"

Lenalee wailed. "Nii-san... How could you? I told you those drugs were no good!"

Komui tried to console her. "Come on... Look, all I need you to do is find all the Kandas for me and then we can put this right! Easy job, eh?"

It was Lavi and Allen's turn to wail now. "Find Kandas? How? We don't know where to start! We're tired! We don't wanna be looking for KANDAS!"

"I want soba!" Little Kanda yelled and started wailing as well. Komui tore his hat to shreds and tried to make himself heard over the wailing.

"Wait, Nii-san. You said "Kanda-s". Plural. What does that mean?"

The other three stopped and looked at Komui, who in turn looked innocently back at them. "What? Kanda here just got split into a couple of clones, that's all. Although judging from this little one here, I'd say that the cloning process wasn't perfect. But say... I am a genius for inventing such a powerful medicine!"

Lavi rolled his eyes, Allen's jaw dropped and Lenalee slapped her forehead. Kanda the kid however, stormed right over to the supervisor and threw a punch right into his stomach. Komui yelped and collapsed to the floor, rolling about in pain.

"YOU'D BETTER FIX THIS FUCKING MESS UP OR I WON'T GET MY SOBA!"

Lavi whispered to Allen. "I'm still confused here, although I have to say, that kid may not be Kanda, but he sure has the potential of growing up to be like him..."

As if to emphasize on the point, chibi Kanda turned around and glared at the two of them. They froze, wondering what the child would do to them when he opened his mouth and muttered.

"Baka usagi. Baka moyashi!"

Allen nudged Lavi. "Oh, he is really baby Kanda alright. He acts just like him." He spoke out of the corner of his mouth.

"Can I count on you guys to find all the Kandas out there? Please... If you don't find the Kanda clones fast, I may not be able to restore him..." They apparently forgot that Komui was still in the room with them.

Lavi put on a confused face and pretended to think. "Oh, I don't know..."

Allen, being the kind, nice guy he is and always will be, raised his hand like a preschooler. "Oh, I'll help!"

Lavi elbowed him to silence him. "We'll do it, but there's a catch. No more stupid experiments with stupid medicine, ok?"

"And more food for me."

"And no more bullying poor Kanda."

Allen looked at Lenalee and looked back at Komui. "You can skip the last part, I don't mind you bullying Kanda."

Kanda crossed his arms and pouted in an adorable way. "Che. You're just jealous because when I grow up, I'm going to be a lot taller than you, baka moyashi."

Allen immediately tried to pounce on the little kid but was restrained by Lavi, who tried to reason with him. "Allen! Let's just try to find all the Kanda clones and get our beloved Yuu-chan back."

Allen stopped struggling and took in a few deep breaths to try and calm down. "You're right, Lavi. One Ba-Kanda is enough. I don't think I can stand ten little kids that look like Kanda, act like Kanda and hit as hard as Kanda running around the Order. It's a nightmare come to life."

Komui suddenly took on a serious attitude. "Great to see you've got it sorted out! So get out there and get finding Kandas or there won't be dinner for all of you tonight!" Saying so, he shoved all of them out of the room and slammed the door behind them. A little while later he opened the door and threw little Kanda out too.

"Babysit him for me! I'll be busy busy busy! Work, you know. Loads of it. But don't let him kill anything, and don't let him eat too much sugar too!"

* * *

"Oi, idiot moyashi. When will I get my soba?"

Allen grabbed fistfuls of his white hair and tugged at them. "I can't take this anymore! I never knew Kanda was such an irritating, annoying brat! How did Tiedoll put up with him?"

"Chill, Allen. Besides, I don't think Yuu-chan was this annoying. This is a flawed clone, remember? So the representations of him aren't as accurate as they would've been. Which is expected from that jerk back in the office... What was he thinking? One Kanda is enough, how about so many of them?"

Lenalee was tying Kanda's hair up neatly. She looked the least perturbed by the entire incident. "Oh, I think this Kanda is adorable. Look, see how he pouts? It's rather cute, don't you think?"

She finished tying his hair and turned down his collar neatly. "So, where do we start? The Order isn't exactly that big, but there are a lot of places for mini Kandas to hide in."

Lavi pondered for a while. "How about we try Kanda's favourite hangouts? Say, the training room for instance. Or the cafeteria. Or his room."

Kanda interjected. "Like hell you guys are going into my room. And I may be a kid, but I can see that you all are total idiots. Do you actually think that countless of Kanda clones would all squeeze themselves happily into one place? And wouldn't there be a commotion in the cafeteria or training room if more than one of the same kid turned up? Use your brains... Che. Obviously you were born without one."

Lavi moaned pitieously and Allen fumed. "Well if you're so smart, Kanda-chan, why don't you give us some hints? Where would you hide?"

A vein throbbed in the kid's forehead. "Call me Kanda-chan again and I'll kill you. And what makes you think I'll hide?"

"Why don't I get Miranda, Marie, Krory and the others to help? It'll be faster to find the clones with a large party instead of just the 4 of us." Lenalee offered.

"Not a bad idea, I think Kro-chan and the others would be a great help."

"And Kanda has been an idiot since the start, he wouldn't be that hard to find, I guess."

A sudden snapping sound startled them. They whipped around to find mini Kanda holding a broken broomstick in his hand, just the right length for a mini Mugen. He gave it a few experimental swings, destroying a few items in the process.

Allen nudged Lenalee. "Just a side note. You baby sit him. I think me and Lavi will fare better with the recruiting."

"I'm coming too. I'm bored."

Allen smacked his forehead. "Oh no... Not a kid with a stick..."

A sharp jab in the ass made him cry out in pain. "Alright, alright! We'll take you along! But no sticks!"

"Stick, or get me a sword."

"Fine, keep the stick."

They trudged along the corridor, Allen grumbling about being babysitter, Lavi trying to prank the child to see if his reaction was the same as the real Kanda, and Lenalee trying to save the other two from being whacked by the aggressive kid. They met Krory soon after and the poor vampire was forced to assist them in their search. He agreed that the kid was adorable though, much to Kanda's dislike.

* * *

Miranda just returned from a mission that she thankfully succeeded in. She was rather relieved and happy with herself. As she rounded a corner to return to her room, she thought she heard something move in the shadows.

Gasping in shock, she cried out. "Who's there?"

Soft strangled sobs were heard next. Miranda nearly freaked. Who could be crying here? A ghost? She trembled and took a few steps back, then screamed and ran away.

She ran straight into Marie. He had just been coming up to see Kanda. "Are you feeling well, Miranda?"

Miranda made some sign languages and waved her hands about in panic. She finally found her voice and stammered.

"The... The Order i-is... H-... Ha... Haunted!"

Marie laughed and shook his head. "No way, it must be a rat or something. Come on, show me where it is."

He paused and touched his earphones. "Strange. I hear someone's heartbeat. It's human... But yet... Not human... What could it be?"

"Ghost! It's a crying soul of a tortured person, doomed to wander the halls for eternity!"

"That can't be right. Stay here and I'll check it out."

"No! I'll come too! I don't want to walk alone!"

They went back to the corridor. Miranda thought that their footsteps seemed to echo way too loudly. It was scary. Then all of a sudden they heard a whisper.

"Don't come near me..."

Marie turned towards the direction of the voice and walked slowly towards it. His Innocence was ready to be activated and Miranda already activated hers.

There, in the shadows, a figure was curled up, hugging its knees tightly. It turned slowly as they approached.

Miranda screamed again when she saw the figure with long, black hair. "It's a ghost!"

Marie stopped her. "Erm, no. It's Kanda. I should've sensed the heartbeat was rather familiar. Is there something wrong, Kanda?"

Kanda looked up at him with fear in his eyes. "No... Don't try and stop me..." He got up shakily.

Marie was surprised. Kanda was definitely out of place today. He just stood there as Kanda walked past him towards the railing in the middle of the dormitory tower.

He watched as Kanda placed his hands on the railing. He watched the Japanese grip the bars tightly, shakily, and try to support himself on it. He watched as Kanda leaned over just the slightest bit. Then it hit him.

"Kanda, no!"

Marie bolted after him, but Kanda turned back fiercely and leaned further out. "Don't touch me!"

The exorcist was shocked and held his ground. "Just... Just calm down, please, Kanda! I... I don't know what happened but we can work things out! Suicide is never the best option!"

Kanda shouted at him. "There's nothing left for me! It's always fight, fight, fight! I'm tired of this! No one will miss me anyway, no one! They hate me!"

"No, they don't, Kanda! I don't hate you!"

"All those people in the Order... They hate the bad tempered, rude Kanda Yuu! I'm a jerk! No one cares if I'm dead or alive!"

Marie panicked. Kanda wouldn't be this irrational. But then again, maybe he would, who knows?

Miranda backed away into the wall, not knowing what to do. At times she had felt like jumping off a tall place as well. So she pretty much didn't know how to tell the Japanese not to jump off too.

Marie tried to reason with him. He was watching Kanda's every move, and listening to his frightened heartbeat at the same time. What could have driven him to this extent? What exactly was going on?

* * *

Finally finished. Oh my, Kanda is seriously becoming OOC, isn't he? Although it's not exactly Kanda. Can anyone figure out what's going on?

I thought the idea of a Chibi Kanda was rather cute, after Kanda got turned into a kid in the manga. But I was wondering how it would be if he acted _like _a kid. Not just a kid's body, but the mind of a kid too. So, this is what happens to all my musings about Chibi Kanda.

Anyway, reviews please, and I'm thinking of pulling the Noahs in somehow. They can't miss out on the fun, can they?

Credits to **madkandayuu**, his idea, and his discussions. And thanks to reviewers! I enjoyed **RoseKurenai**'s review, why couldn't he just have swallowed it, indeed.


	3. Chapter 3 Suicidal Kanda

* * *

Right! Time to find out whether Kanda will jump off the balcony or not. Oh, and will Allen push chibi Kanda off the balcony or not. I do hope he won't. Allen's a nice guy, ain't he? He won't hurt little Kanda, no, he won't...

Lol.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, well except maybe the random plot and the OOC-ness of Kanda. Poor guy. He must be hating me now for this.

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Suicidal Kanda**

Marie was dumbfounded and at a total loss. His close friend was standing just mere feet away from him and leaning dangerously over the balcony, ready to topple over into the depths below. If he wanted to drag him back, he had to move fast, before Kanda could jump, or else he could try and convince him that dying wasn't the best solution to his problems.

"Kanda, listen to me, please. This isn't something you want to do. You'll... You'll regret! And General Tiedoll would cry his heart out if you... You know, just don't jump, please!"

Kanda gave a cry of despair when he heard Tiedoll's name mentioned, making Marie's heart miss a beat in fear. Did he say something wrong?

"I was rude to the old man! How could I ever bear to see his face again? I should have done this a long time ago!"

Marie broke a cold sweat. He just wanted to go over and pull Kanda back to safety, but he knew if he so much as took a step Kanda may be liable to jump off. Still, he had to try, so he took a step tentatively towards him.

Immediately Kanda screamed. "Don't come any closer!"

"I'm not going to hurt you, Kanda!"

"I don't need you to hurt me; I can hurt myself just fine!"

"God, Kanda! What's gotten into you today?" Cried Marie desperately. "You're not like this! You're tougher than this! You kill other people, not yourself!"

"Stay away! I'm sorry for all I've done, Marie! Just... Tell Tiedoll... I'm sorry!" With that, he leaned backwards with his eyes closed.

Marie gasped and ran forward. "Innocence, activate!" He lunged out with his Innocence.

The strings darted out and tightened around Kanda's wrist, but the force of the exorcist's falling body was a toll on Marie too. He struggled to pull his friend up, hoping fervently that the strings would hold.

Miranda shrank back against the wall, clutching her hair and shaking. "Kanda!"She squealed.

At that moment, footsteps could be heard and a group of people appeared from the stairs. Allen and Lavi were at the lead, running as fast as they could towards the scene.

"Miranda! What's going on here? What's Marie doing over there? By the way, have you seen any Kandas around here?" Lavi asked cheerfully.

Miranda raised a trembling finger and pointed at whatever Marie was trying to haul up. "The... There... K-Kanda!"

Both of them turned and Allen gasped as he realised that Marie was trying to save a falling Kanda. He dashed to the balcony and looked down at the Kanda hanging there.

"Don't worry, Kanda! We'll get you up!"

The Japanese looked up at him. "Moyashi? Is that you? No... No, don't save me! Let me die!"

Lavi gasped as well when he heard the statement coming out of Yuu-chan's mouth. "Yuu-chan! Are you alright? Wait, we're getting you up here!"

Little Kanda just watched from the side with his arms crossed as the three of them hoisted a struggling Kanda up onto the balcony and then tried to restrain him as he attempted to dash back to the edge. "Che..." He muttered. "That's so not me..."

* * *

"Fine, so what do we do now? We've found 2 Kandas, at least..."

Everyone felt a little weird. Miranda was still trying to get over the sight of two very different Kandas in front of her. She felt a pang of déjà vu. It was as if they'd returned to the day her town kept repeating itself and she had first discovered her compatibility with her Innocence. Something weird was definitely going on. Krory was whimpering every now and then as he felt relatively useless and insulted by chibi Kanda. Suicidal Kanda had been tied up firmly for his own good, and Lavi was trying his best to talk him out of his suicidal state. It did not help that chibi Kanda was irritably poking Allen with his stick too, treating him as target practice.

Allen snapped and picked the little Kanda up. "Stop it, ba-Kanda! Little children should never treat their seniors with disrespect!"

A sharp jab in the face with his stick made Allen drop the kid, uttering a cry of pain. "Why the heck should I respect you, moyashi?"

Lenalee sighed and stood between the two glaring youngsters. "Maybe we should bring the new Kanda to my brother's office, see what he says about this. Maybe the real Kanda would've woken up by now or my brother may have worked up an antidote."

"For my sake, and Kanda's sake too, I hope so as well."

Lavi helped the suicidal Kanda to his feet. "Easy now, we won't hurt you, alright, Yuu-chan?" Kanda nodded numbly, but continued muttering to himself about how much he wanted to die because he was a total jack ass.

As they trudged back to Komui's office, all eight of them, they made a rather weird scene if any Finder happened to chance upon them. Little Kanda tugged at Lenalee's sleeve.

"Oi, Lenalee. How many other copies of me are running amok out there? Komui didn't exactly state the number."

The girl clasped a hand over her mouth. "You're right, Kanda! How many of you are we supposed to be looking for, exactly?"

Allen muttered. "Hopefully no more... I really don't think I can stand any more Kandas... One is definitely enough."

"And as much as I'd like Yuu-chan to be admitting his mistakes, this is definitely not the way I want it!" Lavi gestured towards the darkly suicidal man behind him. He had just started hitting his head against a nearby wall and Marie had to wrestle him out of it.

"Just let me die! Fuck off, all of you, and let me kill myself!"

"Why do all Kandas have such terrible manners?" Allen rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead. Little Kanda however, decided he couldn't take anymore of this, walked over to the other Kanda and gave him a hard kick in the shins. The other Kanda cried out in pain.

"What was that for, you brat?"

"You're acting like an idiot! I can't believe I'm going to grow up to be a useless coward like you! Stop ruining my image!" They both started glaring angrily at each other. Then the older one dropped his gaze and moaned.

"I'm ruining my original's image... I'm sorry, Kanda! I... I should destroy myself and let this all end!"

"Oh for God's sake..."

* * *

After much hustle and tussle, the happy search party reached Komui's office and chibi Kanda kicked the door open, the others following in. Komui looked up with a cheery smile on his face.

"Oh, hello guys! Enjoying your search for the elusive Kanda?"

The angry glares were answers enough but the Asian man chose to ignore it all and remain smiling. Allen and Lavi turned their gazes towards the couch where the original Kanda was resting and to their surprise, saw him sitting up with his back towards them.

"Kanda! You're awake! How're you feeling?" Allen rushed over, his hatred for Kanda seemingly vanished the moment he saw him. Lavi went over as well.

"Hey, Yuu-chan! What exactly happened? Do you remember anything?"

Kanda looked up at the both of them, staring without saying anything. And then suddenly he smiled. Yes, Kanda was smiling, and not in the I'm-gonna-kill-you-because-I'm-pissed-off-and-I'm-better-than-you way, but in a really pleasant, sweet way. In fact, he could have been smiling as sweetly as Lenalee.

"Good day to you, Allen, Lavi! Hello there, Lenalee!" Kanda said nicely.

The two guys dropped their jaws in shock. Lavi spoke first. "Yuu... Yuu-chan? Are... Are you... Alright?"

"Yeah... Yeah... You just... Smiled and greeted us..."

Kanda's smile faded and he asked anxiously. "Is something the matter? All of you look rather worn out. Can I help you with something?" He then noticed the party gaping at him by the door. "Oh, hi there! Am I taking up the couch?" He jumped up frantically. "I'm so, so, very sorry! Here you go, Krory, Miranda, Marie! Have a seat! And the two other copies of me too, have a seat!"

Lenalee looked angrily at Komui and finally the man cleared his throat. "Um, well, while you guys were out searching for the clones, I had Kanda sent to the hospital wing where he would be well taken care of. Five minutes later, this one shows up and asks for a mission."

Chibi Kanda stalked over to the couch which no one was sitting on and plopped down on it. "If no one's going to sit, I will. And good, we've got 3 clones back. Oh joy..."

The other Kanda suddenly made a dash for the table and tried banging his head on it again. Marie and Krory held him back while Lavi explained the situation to Komui.

"Interesting! Now I get what's going on! I may have made a breakthrough with the new drug!" Komui said happily. He pulled out a piece of paper and began writing on it. "Seems like the drug actually separates one's subconscious or personality into different parts and each personality manifests itself!"

Lavi interrupted. "Um, pardon me, Komui, but I think you're wrong there. I highly doubt that Yuu-chan has any of these..." His eyes looked at the child on the couch, strayed to the man trying to hurt himself, and lastly lingered on the smiling gentleman before returning to Komui. "I don't think Yuu-chan has any of these personality traits in him."

"No, no... He may not look like it, but I think most of these characters are hidden away deep in his soul. He didn't have much of a childhood, so I can figure why this kid has manifested itself. He has dark secrets, thus creating a guilty suicidal character here. And I think Kanda actually cares about all of you more than you think he does so therefore, our new friend here!" Komui waved happily towards the third Kanda.

"Just shut up about your experiments, old geezer, and answer me this. How many of me are running around making a fool of myself out there?" The child snapped.

Komui scratched his chin. "Maybe 8... Or was it 9? 10 maybe? Or I could've have counted wrong... Perhaps 5..."

"Damn you! You don't know! I won't get my soba by the time we're finished with this! I hate this place! All it ever does is give me trouble! All 9 years of my life, all I ever got was trouble!"

Lenalee placed her hands on the boy's shoulders. She could see tears welling up inside his eyes but he refused to let them fall. She knew that even though this was Kanda, he was a child, and all this unnecessary action was very tiring for him. Maybe Kanda was in pain to be split up this way. Maybe that's the reason why the original could not wake up yet.

"How about this, Kanda. You stay here with the other Kandas, and the rest of us split up into two teams and try and recover the rest of you? How about it?"

The kid wiped his eyes and glared defiantly at her. "I'm coming with you. The other two can stay here, but I'm coming with you."

"If I may be so rude as to interject, I'd like to say, I won't mind helping out, you know." The newest Kanda muttered.

Lavi sighed, stood up and clapped his hands together. "OK then! We're not going to get anything done if we stay here and blame Komui for everything, so we might as well get searching! Who's coming with me?"

Krory raised his hand. "Lavi, I'd like to help but, I have to leave on a mission soon. I'm so sorry..."

Marie patted his shoulder. "It's alright. How about me and Miranda go search the Finder's dormitory? You'll help, right? Miranda?"

The German girl nodded. "Sure I will! If I can help Kanda, I will!"

"So me, Allen, and Lenalee will go together? How about the Kandas?"

"I'm sticking with her. She's the most sane of you idiots anyway." Grumbled little Kanda, indicating Lenalee. "But I want him to stay with us. I can't bear the thought of another idiotic clone ruining my image!"

Allen wanted to punch the kid up. "But our group will be too big if both of you Kandas follow us!"

"Is that a problem with you, moyashi?"

"Stop calling me that! You're a moyashi too!"

"I'll go with Miranda and Marie, done! Let's get moving!" Lavi wailed in despair and stormed out of the room, the said two following suit.

"Take care!" The third Kanda waved cheerily at their backs.

"I wish this was just a dream. A very scary dream..." said Allen as he followed Lenalee and Kanda out. The door closed behind the four of them and Komui was left with the very suicidal Kanda.

"Oh dear... Now you just sit down there and um... Don't hurt yourself..."

* * *

Wow. I finished this in under an hour. Now my eyes hurt. Ouch...

Sorry, was busy updating my TyKan fic. Then someone reviewed and reminded me that I still have this one to update too. So yeah, I did. But just a note, my exams are coming up, so I may not upload another chapter for quite a while. In the meantime, review please, and if you all have any requests for any kind of Kanda to appear, please, do tell. I have around 10 lined up my sleeve but more would be appreciated. XD

Till then, I have to hang up for now. I'm waiting for your review, **madkandayuu**!


	4. Chapter 4 Sexy Kanda

Right, second update after exams! This took a while… I'm so sorry, exams were hell. Seriously hell. And then MJ had to pass away right after it too. I apologize but I grew up listening to MJ and Celine Dion so it really was a loss to me. The world has lost a great artist and his awesome dance moves and wonderful voice. There will never be a second Michael Jackson and let's just keep it that way. He'd better be remembered for being the one and only King of Pop.

Back to the story. *sniffs* The rating's gone up to T because of language and implied shonen-ai. Be warned, there will be hints of TyKan, Yullen, YuuLena, and perhaps YuuLav in the later chapters. Again, this is not a pairing fic. It's just crack, so don't get offended with the hinted pairings, please. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Sexy Kanda**

As the dysfunctional group of four trudged down towards the cafeteria in hopes of finding a Kanda eating soba there, the team had actually become something like two pairs of close friends working together. Allen and the new Kanda were actually getting along rather well, and little Kanda chose to stay as far away from the moyashi as he could and tag along with Lenalee instead.

Even though it was a relief to actually _talk _to Kanda for once without trying to outdo each other or fight, Allen felt something was amiss. There was still something rather nice about mocking the original Kanda and watch him unsheathe Mugen and unleash hell upon those who dared trespass against him.

Upon entering the cafeteria, they looked for a familiar wave of black hair but no such signs were spotted. Allen shrugged.

"I guess Kanda didn't come here after all. Let's go somewhere else and look."

"I want soba." The little Kanda muttered stubbornly.

"There's no time for your soba, you… You… Ba-Kanda!"

"Shut up, moyashi! I'm getting my soba here and that's final!" He stormed off towards the direction of Jerry, as Lenalee followed to explain the situation to the dumbfounded cook.

Allen fumed. "Why do I even bother to…"

A finder came up. "Excuse me, exorcist sir, but I couldn't help overhearing that you were looking for the exorcist Kanda, right?"

Allen turned to look at him. "Yeah, we're looking for him. Have you seen him around?"

The man nodded. "Well actually I did. He left a few minutes ago. No one dared speak to him though." Then his eyes fell on the Kanda beside Allen and he gasped.

"I'm so sorry, Kanda sir! How did you get back so soon! We didn't mean to ignore you, we really didn't!"

Kanda smiled at him, to his horror, for the finder mistook it for an I'm-going-to-kill-you-so-stay-very-still smirk instead of a kind smile.

"Never mind, I understand perfectly. Oh, have I ever told you finders that you guys are doing a splendid job here?"

Allen nearly fainted. "Kanda went out?! And you didn't try and stop him? This is great… Just perfect!"

The nice Kanda patted him on the shoulder. "It's alright, Allen. We'll find him for sure. I know myself; I'd probably be looking for Akuma to slay in order to protect the world."

Too shocked and confused for words, the poor finder was still gaping at the too-kind-to-be-true Kanda. His friend came up and called him.

"Hey, our mission is starting soon, pal! Let's go! Oh, good day to you, Mr. Walker! And Kanda, you're back early! I saw you go out an hour ago and you're already back!"

Kanda nodded, the smile still plastered over his face, as he replied. "Good day to you too! Good luck on your mission!"

The man joined his partner in standing with their jaws hanging open and staring at him. Kanda looked at Allen, who was also staring at the second finder with his jaw wide open.

"Um, is everyone alright? What's the matter?" The confused Japanese asked in concern.

"T-two K-Kandas… Out… Out there… Running around…" Allen fainted on the spot. Kanda yelped and tried to pick him up.

"Hey, Allen! Wake up! Please, you can't faint now!" He shook him frantically. The two finders glanced at each other. One patted his friend's shoulder and gave a stern nod.

"Victor, we're hallucinating. We definitely must get more rest."

Victor nodded and patted his friend in return. "Yep, you've got that right. Let's just finish this mission, forget about this weird morning, and sleep later."

Lenalee arrived with chibi Kanda just as the two finders were leaving. Hardly sparing a glance at the fainted exorcist lying on the older Kanda's lap, the kid just walked over and kicked Allen hard in the shins. The half-conscious boy sat up with a start.

"What was that for, you irritating ba-Kanda!" He wailed.

"Get up! I've had my soba, so let's get finding the other Kandas! You're such a lazy moyashi!"

The other Kanda tried to calm them down. "Now, now, Kanda-chan. Allen here was just worried because two of us ran out of the Order so cut him some slack. He's a real nice guy if you get to know him!"

Lenalee gaped at him. "There are at least two Kandas _outside_ the Order? Oh brother, this is disaster. God knows what hell Kanda will unleash out there! We'd better go after him, and inform Lavi's team too! This is so not good…"

Kanda raised his hand. "I'll go inform them. You take the two of them and go stop my brothers from bringing impending doom upon the world!"

Little Kanda slapped his forehead and groaned. "You are so not one of us… I'd never be caught dead with a stupid grin on my face. And whoever said I would take over the world?"

The older Kanda shrugged. "Who knows? Personally, I've always wondered how it would be like to rule the world. I'd cover it with sunshine and happy thoughts and…"

The child stormed over to Allen, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out. "Let's go, Lenalee. Let this idiot find Lavi and tell him where we're headed. By that time, we'd probably be back."

Lenalee sheepishly waved goodbye at the cheery waving Kanda and followed a protesting Allen and grumpy Kanda out of the doors. _'This is really going to be a long day…'_

* * *

The mid-morning sun blazed brightly onto the streets below, and footsteps pattered endlessly on the pavements. This was the start of a new day, a wonderful new day, full of life and busy people trying their best to run from the monster behind them while screaming their lungs out. Okay, fine, the Akuma was definitely not part of their daily routine but hey, it makes for extra exercise right?

While people were screaming left, right and centre and running helter-skelter in every direction, one finely dressed gentleman strolled up the streets unnerved. He tilted his hat and smiled as he saw the carnage caused by the Akuma a few blocks ahead.

'_Poor humans… They'll meet their doom soon…'_

And then the Akuma gave a blood-curdling scream and exploded. Tyki blinked in amazement and picked up his pace. Was there an exorcist there after all?

He phased though a building and sprang lightly in front of the wrecked body of the Akuma. Sure enough, there was a girl standing over the mangled machine with a long pole in her hand. Her long black hair flowed past her shoulders and down her back but the black and white uniform was unmistakable. Tyki smiled. An extra thing to kill.

"Good day to you, my pretty exorcist. What's a young girl like you doing with scary monsters?"

The exorcist turned sharply and swung the pole in a defensive stance. Then only Tyki realized as those cold eyes stared into his golden orbs, that this was not a girl, but the infamous Kanda Yuu. Still, he smirked.

"Oh, my deepest apologies, I didn't notice. You're way too pretty for a guy though."

Kanda smirked and stood up straight. There was a dancing fire in his eyes as he glared at Tyki, and slowly took a few steps to the side, as if circling his prey.

"The fucking Noah of Pleasure, Tyki Mikk. I thought you were dead or something."

"The Noah clan is immortal, boy… With the exception of the one you slain though. Poor Skin…" Tyki noticed something was rather different about Kanda today. Firstly, Kanda would not smirk at him, but charge head first and try to kill Tyki. Secondly, he was not using his favorite sword, Muren or Yugen or something like that. And thirdly, that stare he was fixing the Noah with was a little… Unnerving. Seriously unnerving. It was almost… Sexy…

The Noah shook himself. _'Get a grip on yourself Tyki. You know you're sexier than he is.'_

Before Kanda could reply, a sudden sound behind him made him whip around. The Akuma was stirring, despite being severely hacked by the streetlamp in Kanda's right fist. Tyki knew why though. If Kanda wasn't using his Innocence, the Akuma would never stay down.

But he didn't want anything interfering with them now. Tyki wanted Kanda all for himself and he gave a cold stare at the Akuma, silently ordering it to self-destruct. After struggling with itself for a while, the Akuma gave another scream and blew itself up. Kanda blinked slowly and turned to face Tyki again.

"Let me hazard a guess, you want to fight me?"

Tyki pulled his gloves down a little. "You guessed right, my pretty exorcist. But that won't gain you bonus points with me."

Again, that creepy smirk on the boy's face. Tyki suppressed a shiver down his spine. Something was seriously whacked about the Japanese exorcist today.

"You, fight me? One on one? Both of us, alone?" His voice was getting softer and softer; eventually ending in a lustful whisper that even Tyki raised one eyebrow.

"Yeah, you got a problem with that? No one to interfere with us while we're… Alone…" Tyki whispered back.

'_You want to play sexy, exorcist? Let's see who's the sexier man around here, shall we? No one beats the Noah of Pleasure in inducing sexual pleasure, you know…'_

Kanda edged closer and gripped the pole, smirking mischievously. "Bring it on, bastard…"

He lunged at Tyki, who glided backwards and released a huge number of Teases immediately with superb reflex. With a few swipes and twists, Kanda made short work of the black butterflies and charged towards Tyki. The Noah created some black matter and shielded against his attack but the force was overwhelming.

"My, my, you certainly are strong, my pretty dark exorcist…" Tyki made sure to lace his tone with every drop of lust in him.

"Do you like it this way, Noah? I hear you like playing rough…" Kanda blocked one of Tyki's fists and jumped backwards.

"So do you…" The Noah lunged at him while taking a few strikes, which Kanda skillfully dodged. As he swerved to one side, he brushed against Tyki's ear and whispered.

"Let's see how rough you can play, you fucking Noah…"

Tyki pulled a large Tease out of thin air slowly and winked at Kanda. "Oh, I can be very, very rough, my dear…"

The fight lasted for quite a while. They charged at each other, as if dancing in a passionate waltz and then reeled away, as if teasing each other. It was more of a game than a fight. Kanda's hair already came undone and his uniform was slightly torn. Tyki's hair fell past his face and his coat was undone as well.

"I am certainly enjoying this, Kanda…" Tyki smirked as he pinned him against the wall.

The exorcist wasn't ready to give up yet. He struggled against Tyki's grip and leaned forward with his eyes half closed.

"So am I…"

"Oh my freaking God, what are the both of you doing?" A shout came from down the street. The both of them turned to see Allen with a furious look on his face. Lenalee covered her face with one hand, peeking through her fingers. Her other hand was trying to push the little Kanda behind her to hide the view but the kid was struggling to see what was going on.

"Oi, Lenalee! Let me see… Get out…" He managed to push his way through but stopped when he saw the scene in front of him. To any bystander, it would seem like Tyki was pinning Kanda to the wall to kiss him. Kanda even had one hand gripped firmly on Tyki's collar.

"What the fuck! I would never, ever let Tyki fucking Mikk kiss me! That is utterly disgusting!" Little Kanda yelled. Allen looked as though he was about to strangle someone. Lenalee whimpered a little bit.

Kanda shoved the surprised Noah off him and walked slowly towards Lenalee. He came up to her and leaned over.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're awesomely hot?"

Lenalee stuttered. "Um, K-Kanda… I really don't think…" She was blushing as he slowly moved closer and closer to her.

That's when Allen seemed to snap out of his furious trance. "Hey, back off, Kanda! What the heck do you think you're doing? Flirting with Lenalee and a Noah! Something's wrong with you!"

Kanda glared at Allen and then suddenly smirked as he leaned away from Lenalee who was trying her best to back away from him. Allen sensed something was amiss and started backing away from Kanda as well.

Before long, Kanda had Allen pinned to the brick wall too.

"You know… Moyashi…" He said slowly, tracing a line up the boy's coat to his neck. "You're very annoying… But you're kinda sexy in an annoying way…"

Allen gasped and squealed. "Kanda! What… what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing… I just think you're…" Kanda leaned dreadfully close to him when a small figure came hurtling from the side and knocked him away.

"Get a grip on yourself, you pervert! The last person I'd wanna be fucking would be moyashi!" Chibi Kanda yelled at the Kanda he just knocked over. Said Kanda stood up dusting himself.

"You're going to try and bring me back to the Order now, aren't you?" He said, eyes narrowing.

"Like hell, you're coming with us! I had to run everywhere trying to find all of you and here you are trying to seduce people?! You're sick!" Little Kanda spat angrily.

The sexy Japanese feigned thought. "I have a better idea. Why don't you try and find the other Kandas while I have some fun? Besides, the Order's hell. The less time I spend there, the better."

Without warning, he turned and bolted away. The kid gave chase but was soon outrun by the older clone. Kanda stormed back to where Lenalee was still trying to calm Allen down and Tyki was watching with an amused expression.

Looking at the child as he came back, Tyki directed his question at him. "Mind telling me why there are more than one of Kanda Yuu running around?"

"Long story. If you're not helping, I'm not telling. So get the hell out of here you bastard of a Noah!"

"Ooh, little kid's got a temper… I may be interested in locating the many clones though."

The three of them looked at Tyki disbelievingly. "You, help us? You've got to be kidding me. Why would you want to help us?" Allen choked out.

"Because I have a score to settle with that extremely hot and sexy Kanda back there. I do have a small condition though; I want that particular Kanda all to myself when we manage to capture him."

Before Allen and Lenalee could say anything, the small Kanda went over and held out his hand. "Deal, Noah. I don't care what you do to that pervert. The both of you are made for each other anyway. You're both sick and twisted."

Allen grabbed the kid and wrenched him backwards. "You just struck a deal with the Noah of Pleasure! He's a bad guy! How can we be sure he won't double-cross us?"

Kanda glared at him. "I don't know, I don't care. But more help is definitely needed to locate the clones and as long as you're picking up the mess, I don't give a damn."

Tyki came over and pulled Allen to his feet. The boy shoved him away and took a few tentative steps backwards. "This is a nightmare… This is seriously a nightmare…"

* * *

Took me one straight hour to finish this and then I'm going to have dinner. There won't be any actual pairings in this one, so once again, please, don't come and tell me that Yullen is your OTP or something because this is not meant to be a pairing fic. It's CRACK, it's meant to poke fun and be humorous, that's all.

Review please! And tell me what Kanda you guys would want next. Will the perverted sexy Kanda wreak havoc or will another Kanda come save the day? And will Komui ever come up with an antidote? Find out in the next chapter.

Oh, I won't be updating until **madkandayuu** reviews, so you guys better pray he does. And **madkandayuu**, here's your Noahs just like you wanted! HAH!


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